Negotiating Our Differences

Have you ever met two people at the beginning of their romantic relationship and just thought ‘this could never work, they are way too different? You saw that they were good people, but there is no way they could be together and not lose their minds?

Well, I believe my husband and I are that duo.

As you know if you have been a regular on this blog, I have been with my man for the last ten years now. We are very different in many aspects, almost too different, but somehow it just works. How do we do it?

In this post, you will find out 7 major differences I had with the man I ended up marrying and how we went about making these differences a strength in the relationship.

Difference #1: Age

When I met this man 10 years ago, I was a 21-year-old girl, and he was a 31 years old man.

Needless to say, we were not at the same place in our lives. I was still in college figuring out what I wanted to study. I was still living at my family home. I was not thinking about marriage or anything very serious at that time. I liked going out and having fun with my friends. I had experienced romantic relationships, but nothing long-term.

He, on the contrary, had graduated years before and was established in his field of work. He had his car, had bought his own living space, was completely independent. He was ready to settle down with me and was a homebody who had said goodbye to nights out in the town. This man had experienced very serious long-term romantic relationships and had lived what seemed to me like nine lives already.

Did our age difference cripple us or strengthen us?

It strengthened us. We realized that the ten years he had over me also meant ten years of experience and maturity. He had had the time to know himself as much as he could. He had figured out his path on the work market. He knew he wanted marriage and children. Way back then, 21-year-old young men could not offer me the same sense of security and assurance in a possible romantic relationship, because they were still assessing their options and desires. Being so much ahead of me meant he wouldn’t drag me along while he figures himself out. He didn’t want to be out on the streets, he didn’t want to chase girls. He didn’t want to be at bars drinking until dawn. He had been there, done that.

It worked out perfectly. I was 21, but a mature 21. I knew I had no patience for boys my age as I found them to be too juvenile for me. Maybe what they say is true about girls maturing faster than boys. I wanted to go out, but I knew it would only be a couple more months before I would be over it. I felt like I needed someone to look up to in my love life. If we were to be in the same stage of life, I would lose interest; I am just weird like that.

We merged our worlds: we went out a few times a month together, we stayed in the rest of the time and planned our lives. He helped me understand what it’s like to be thirty-something and I reminded him what it was like to be twenty-something.

Difference #2: Culture

The environment you grow up in greatly influences how you think and behave as an adult.

My husband and I, even though it would not be apparent at first sight, grew up very differently. He grew up in the Caribbean in a very relaxed close-knit family. A good time, open conversations, and colorful personalities are usual. I grew in in Africa in a very conventional not-so-close family. Rituals, good manners, status, and appearance played a great part in our daily lives.

He grew up with adults who openly showed their struggles to kids, I was raised by over-protective adults who refused to ‘hinder’ or traumatize small kids with serious problems.

He grew up beachside, I grew up in the city. He grew up being the only boy among girls, I grew up being the only girl among boys. He learned that family is family and you can fight on a Monday and stop speaking to one another, and become best friends again on Wednesday as if nothing happened. I learned that family is family and you do not fight with family, ever.

Would our cultural differences come between us?

I cannot count how many times we fought over our cultural differences in the beginning. My opinion was that he was WAY too close and emotionally dependent on his family and that they could use a little bit of etiquette. His opinion was that my family and I were way too stuck up, and we could use some help in getting closer to each other. I could not believe they showed up at his place without calling or notifying him beforehand. He could not understand why your own family had to give you notice that they are arriving soon. I had a hard time being comfortable with all of them walking around half-naked around each other; he could not comprehend why I wasn’t able to be in just my underwear in the company of my mother.

Yikes! How did we deal with that?

What is funny is after really talking about it, we came to understand and enjoy the good things about each other’s approach. I realized that a better connection with my family was welcome. He learned that setting boundaries and having a little bit of privacy is important. In the end, he influenced me to hang out with my people a little more and develop awesome friendships with my siblings and parents (as well as his); and I encouraged him to realize that a little bit of personal space and time is healthy for everyone.

Difference #3: Money

From his testimony, my husband grew up poor. They were not starving to death but they did not have much. So, naturally, his whole family had to learn how to make a dollar out of fifteen cents. They had to pick up skills and knowledge to save money for the rainy days ahead. Because of this, all members of the said family are wary about wasting money and made sure they can do almost everything by themselves before they ever have to hire someone else to do it. They became self-sufficient, skilled individuals.

I grew up in an underdeveloped country, but somehow, I missed nothing. Thankfully, we had enough money in the extended family that I never had to think about money and saving until I became a young adult. On the contrary, it seemed to me like whatever I needed was available. Certainly not free, but attainable. As a result, my family and I were not very handy and were in the habit of paying for leisure time and professional help for a lot of things, however small they were.

Result? He was a saver and budgeted every single thing, I was a spender and purchased what I pleased, as long as I didn’t go into debt.

How could we survive as a couple with such a different understanding of finances?

When it came to money, both of us held half of the truth. He was right: we had to plan ahead, budget, and be careful with our spending. We had to look out for interesting deals and learn new skills in life to be self-sufficient. However, I was also right: we could not live a happy life holding on to every last penny and depriving ourselves. After all, we both worked hard and the bills are paid, so sometimes the big kids gotta play!

Results? He now knows how to build pretty much anything himself, so we do not pay for renovations. I learned to do hair and cook better, so we don’t have to pay a hairdresser for our three daughters or myself (or him), and we order out only when exhausted. The money saved can be deposited somewhere or invested elsewhere, and part of it can be spent on dates or things that bring us joy and excitement. We have balanced each other out for the better.

Difference #4: Personality

In a few words, I am an introvert and have always been. He is an extrovert and I believe he has always been.

I take great pleasure in being alone in my thoughts. I love taking my time to process information and experiences before inviting other people into my world. I like being in the company of friends and family members, but after a couple of hours, I feel tired and overwhelmed. I will retreat to a private place to refuel. I need my space.

My husband loves and needs to be in the company of people to feel energized. He rarely if ever feels drained after being in a crowded place or in the presence of high energy. He needs little to no quiet time and can refuel without it. He can give his attention to his friends and family. Personal space is optional for him.

So, can two people live in the same space and hold a marriage together when they are built so differently?

To be honest with you, we are still working on this one. As I mentioned, we were able to balance each other out from our cultural differences. But, despite that, I now more than ever need space for myself and quiet time to function. On top of being naturally introverted, since having kids, alone time is no joke for me. But even if I tried, I simply cannot have as many people over and as often as my husband would like. I get tired and overstimulated, quick. And although he tried it, he simply cannot stay put for too long before he does not know what to do with himself and is eager for social interactions.

So, at this point, we compromise the best we can. Examples? We get visitors, but he warns them I might need to go and nap while they are there, that way they don’t take it personally when I go rest. If it has been 2 or three weekends in a row with us having people over to please him, we do two or three in a row without anybody invited. If he needs to see people and I am more in the mood for rest, he goes out and I stay in. We both get what we want, we are both satisfied and come back together and the end of the day.

The only problem is that we do actually like being together, so when he is out, he wants me to join him, and when I am home, I want him to join me; we just have to recognize that we have different needs at this point and that it is a season in our lives, and we have to treat it as such and do what is best both for the both of us’ moods.

Difference #5: Pace

This one might or might not be related to the previous one.

My man lives life like a sprint, I live life like a marathon. He is always on the move; he’s got somewhere to go, someone to call, something to read, a presentation to prepare, a show to watch, a sport to play, a story to tell. When he is in the home, his presence is hard to miss. He is very energetic and has an assured, fast, and powerful walk. He needs everything to be done well, but fast. He wakes up early and gets going.

Me? Oh, the complete opposite. I like low-stress everything and need my Zen to function in life. Fast-paced things make me overwhelmed and I do my best to avoid them. I have an assured walk as well, but certainly more subtle and tranquil. I do what I have to during the day, but my most productive time is after hours when the house is quiet and no one can bother me.

Well, how did we synchronize our paces so that we walk alongside each other?

Again, it goes back to understanding our partner’s nature and formatting. My man is built for doing, I am built for being. He feels accomplished when he can finish a good number of things by the end of the day, I feel accomplished when the day ends, and I did all my tasks in a stress-free manner. That being said, when possible, I let him race against himself as long as he does not pressure me, and he lets me take it easy as long as I do not make him late for whatever he has going on. We give each other cool challenges where, for example, I will encourage him to get to his destination without complaining about traffic if he is driving, and he encourages me to pick up the pace, arrive early and get the best spot. The key here is to live and let live when it serves each other’s intrinsic nature or help each other out when it is necessary for a positive couple life. And it is imperative to understand how both of us function and not denature our ways.

Difference #6: Religion

A decade ago, my understanding of religion was that it was a series of rules I had to follow so that God would not be mad at me. They were guidelines for me to be a ‘good girl’. Boy, was I unconscious! And so, I went to church solely by obligation, spent most of my time there lost in my thoughts until it was over, came back home, and did the same thing the week after. Oh, and I never opened a Bible by my own will before the age of 19.

In contrast, Hubby had always resented religion, simply because he believed he had a personal relationship with God. Religion, in his opinion, brainwashed people and took advantage of them, whereas God had always blessed him and guided him without human scammers being involved. He had witnessed cherished family members being duped by pastors and priests and despised these wolves in sheep clothing.

How would we navigate such different views on practicing our faith?

I would say this is the very best example of how two people and influence each other. After years together, my then-boyfriend showed me how beautiful it was to have my own relationship with God. He made me understand that religion and faith are not the same things and that I had been in (forced) religion all my life but really did not know God. Today, I do know God and seek him every day. I am happy to walk with Him and not worry so much about the ‘rules’ over the Word.

As for my husband, I was able to show him that even though he had a personal relationship with God, he still needed a community. Going to church was important because we need to be with our brothers and sisters in Christ, and there is something divine happening when two or more are gathered and call on His name. I was able to show him that although some religious leaders are far from godly, it does not mean that he should lose hope. There are good people out there, there are great churches out there, there are helpful resources out there. Today, he is part of a congregation led by people he trusts and had done a complete switch when it comes to adhering to a church.

I can openly say that me finding God and him finding an organization was the best thing to happen to both of us, as we have seen tangible results in the betterment of us as people, spouses, parents, workers, neighbors, citizens, friends, etc. On a selfish note, I have become more of what he desired as he says, and he has transformed into the man I had prayed for.

Difference #7: Love languages

We also have different love languages, as most couples do.

The mister’s love languages are words of affirmation and physical touch. Meaning, he needs me to verbally express my appreciation for what he is and what he does. He also needs to have me close, hold tight and make babies with me. That is how he feels loved.

The misses’ love languages are quality time and physical touch. I like to spend time alone with him without distractions. If we are simply in the same room but without really connecting, I feel like it’s a waste of time…that I could have spent alone enjoying myself (introvert, remember?). I also like physical touch: kisses, hugs, holding hands, getting a massage, and making babies. That is how I feel loved.

How were we able to communicate our love to each other without speaking the same language?

I recommend Gary Chapman’s book called The Five Love Languages to anyone looking to improve their relationship with their spouse, but also to people in general, as we all have love languages and would benefit from knowing what they are. This allows us to communicate our needs better, and show our affection in a way that matters to our loved ones. Understanding each other love’s languages has shifted the way I give love to my husband and vice versa. I now make a conscious effort to praise him, he makes a conscious effort to spend some quality time with me, without distractions.

It has tremendously helped us, as we both feel seen and heard in the relationship. We both have physical touch as our second love language, so that worked out perfect, no effort needed, just letting nature do its thing, hence... all these kids.

Final thoughts

Those are the same main differences that manifested when we first got together. There are much more, of course. The food we like, our taste in cinema and television shows, our approach to current events, our preferred dream lifestyle. When I tell you we are different, we really are.

But as mentioned we figured out a way to work things out and even be very happy for the past ten years, and hopefully, the decades to come.

All in all, the secret to coming to a happy medium is to work on understanding each other, and then deciding what approach would be beneficial to the couple. It is evaluating what you and the other are ready to let go, and what are your non-negotiables.

When done in love and respect, merging differences is feasible, and will even strengthen you as a couple!

How about you?

What are the things you were able to work out in your relationship? What are the ones you just could not agree on?